My "little brother" Drewski got arrested for murder. It upsets me because he may not have been involved outside of being forced to go along. I present to you below what I know personally and from his mother and grandmother.



The night both Drew and Courtney stayed over here, Ryan, one of the other kids that was arrested called Drew three times before you showed up DEMANDING that I bring Drew back to Apex because, and I quote, "You promised me you'd go with me to kill this fucker."

I told Drew "I'm not taking you back to Apex, this is our sibling time that we don't often and if he really wants to kill someone he needs to man up and do it his damn self without dragging you into it and getting you into trouble you don't need." So he told Ryan the third time he called "I can't come back to Apex dude and if you really want it done then go do it, you don't need me for it." That was the 26th. The kid that was killed went missing on the 27th. Drew was here until 8:30, I took him home and chilled at his house until 10:00.

Thanksgiving Day, during Thanksgiving dinner, Ryan, Aadil and Allegra showed up at his house and demanded that he come with them, pulled him away from his family and his girlfriend Olivia, who we all call ViaVia and when Drew's mum said "Where are you going?" Ryan said "We're going paint-balling." His mom said "Yea right, Drew, what are you doing, your girlfriend is here and it's thanksgiving." and Drew just said "Mom, I have to go..." He was gone for an hour, came home pale, shaky, sweating and visibly upset, locked himself in his room for an hour and then called his Gram up to his room to talk to her, told her everything that happened. His gram told his dad bits of it, his dad called the cops, they showed up and questioned his Gram who told them everything Drew had told her but when they questioned Drew he left out some things he had told his Gram, so they arrested him.

In all probability, Drew left bits out because he is a. trying to protect his friends or, b. the more likely case, is he's leaving out bits so he's not labeled a snitch by the rest of their little clique because he's scared if he rats them out, the rest of the group will catch up to him and either beat him up badly or kill him. the kid's body was found on Allegra's property. They found horse tranquilizers on the ground and in the victim's system, Allegra owns horses. They found zip ties, a plastic trash bag and someone had hit him in the head repeatedly with a hammer and he was very possibly beaten with baseball bats.the various ideas behind motive seem to vary from person to person.

Oleg, another friend of Drew and I's said that they did it because the victim was one of the kids who beat up their homeless friend Tim. What's Drew's Gramma was told was that they did it because the kid, Matt they think it is, slept with Allegra and Allegra is Ryan's girlfriend.

Now, if he slept with Allegra, there are two possible reasons she got in on it and helped. Either this Matt kid raped her and it was revenge, or she cheated on Ryan with him and since everyone seems to be afraid of Ryan he got jealous and said "I'm going to kill him and since you fucked him, you're going to help."

If it's because he raped her, there's a high probability that this Matt kid they think is the victim is the same guy that Drew told me has mental problems and not too long ago stopped taking his meds, broke into an old couple's home, beat the elderly husband and raped the elderly wife. But everything regarding motive is speculation, I won't know more until I'm able to visit Drew in jail or where-ever he's being held and can talk to him and find out what happened out there.

That's everything I know from being present and talking to his Mum.

And for any of you who live in my area and leave me nasty ass comments about Drew and how he's guilty when you don't know a fucking thing about him, the circumstances or what actually happened, you better prepare yourself for the tongue lashing of a lifetime.

Don't talk smack about shit you know nothing about.

I wish it would snow. Ever since I first met you, the snow has reminded me of you. Maybe because of the way you shared your coat with me, maybe because when I met you, you sometimes came across as cold, but in reality, you were quite soft.

 

The last comment is not an insult. Even with your front of not caring and just being a silly twit, perhaps there was simply something about my presence when you’d share your coat with me on the particularly cold mornings that made you, just for the briefest moments, drop your mask and reveal, if only to me, exactly how soft and caring you were.

 

It kept me from ignoring you. You were attractive, although sometimes annoying and I kept seeing those small flashes that you weren’t really the person on the outside. Which quite desperately made me want to dig until I found the actual you. But the idea at the time, and for a long time, terrified me.

 

Because I had such an aversion to trusting, well, anyone really. Of course, now that I’ve dug up the real person…and the fake person no longer seems to exist, I find that my dreams and even my idle thoughts are plagued by ideas of being close to you again.

 

Even if it is only standing in the cold so as to have an excuse to share your coat. That alone would give me the chance to stand against you and be reassured by your solid frame. And to be wrapped up in your strong arms. It would also give me the ability to look up into those beautiful hazel eyes, which seem to have no end to their depth. And to be close to your smell.

 

I try my best to re-create it in your absence, but sadly, the cologne enough is not the same. “One cannot live on fumes alone, despite how hard they try.” And it does seem so inordinately difficult to live in the absence of your presence. I find that I quite literally count even the minutes when I leave my house, counting how long it will be until I’m home and can at least talk to you again.

 

It is one of the little things, along with my memory and the phantom of your smell that keep me functioning at all I think. If I didn’t have such things, I think I would simply lie down and die.

 

I know in my heart that if I should lose you to anything, I would never find another person to love. My heart wouldn’t be able to do it and my mind would constantly spend every second with a veritable stranger comparing everything they did and said to you.

 

I say stranger because there is no being on this Earth that will ever know me as you do. And there never will be. There will never ever be another soul or body that is solid and steady and nearly infallibly trustworthy. There will never be another with eyes like yours, or a smile like yours. There will never be another with a scent like yours, even if they should wear the exact same cologne.

 

And there will never be another sweet, perfect half of me that will stand in the snow and cold and share their warmth and their coat with me.

 

How I wish it would snow.  

My house is going to get taken away from me and my disabled mother on the 13th and it doesn't look like there's anything we can do about it.

The deal is this. On February 13th, my Mum made a payment to the mortgage company. She asked the man that she was speaking to if she needed to make a new payment arrangement and he told her no.

About a week later a letter came in the mail that was dated February 25th on the envelope, but the letter inside was dated for January. The letter said she needed to pay them twice what she had paid on the 13th by the 1st of February. She called them the day we got the letter and tried to make another payment and they wouldn't accept anything less than the total back balance on the mortage.

And they haven't let her pay anything since then either. We have to come up with 10,000 by the 13th to keep them from auctioning off our house.

I am willing to do just about anything but prostitute myself or become little more than a stripper or porn model to raise this money.

Since I am an artist, I'm wanting to take commisions. They wouldn't be cheap, but they would be full color, with backgrounds with as many subjects as desired.

I'm also stooping low enough to beg for scraps...any monetary 'donations' would go a long way to keep me from losing the house I grew up in and ending up homeless.

If you're interested in commissioning me, please send me a private message with what you'd like drawn, or painted, although I do warn you that all my paintings end up as abstracts, and we'll talk prices.

for those of you unfamiliar with my art: http://traditionalblasphemy.deviantart.com

Please guys, I really need some help here.

My ass went to Raleigh last night to chill with Courtney and I met her awesome-sauce friend Aaron. A die-hard punk with a BRIGHT ASS PINK mohawk.

He's a doll. He let use him as a pillow at 11 am when I crashed for all of ten minutes after having no sleep at all. We just sat around his living room all night and bullshit.

So....how low of a creature do you have to be to first take up with an emotionally frail individual....wait for him to be hundreds of miles away and then fuck around on him with his best friend and not even have the guts to tell him to his face or at least over a proper phone call? And then to go beyond that and rub it in his face that you're living in fairy tale land while he's all alone?

 

Well guess what, he's not alone. Leave him be. Or I will personally start watching for you, because I live here. And I am more dangerous to your personal health than you can imagine. I am worse than his family. I am worse than every other friend he has or currently possesses. I am your worst nightmare in his best dream. He’s mine and he’s all but forgotten about you and your two-timing, backstabbing little antics.

 

So do yourself a favor. Don’t pester him, don’t talk to him and don’t try to get in touch with him, because I assure you he has much better things to do with his time home from the military now. Namely me.

 

And I’ll let you in on a little secret. You were my cheap replacement. And what a cheap one you were. You might look a little like me, but, tsk, not enough and you sure weren’t as good to him as I am, in more ways than one. You have a good day sugar. Say Hi to Jeffie for me. -kiss-

She has skin like silk
The best of mark leavers
Make the prettiest patterns.

Like a chameleon
You never know just what color she’ll shine
But you know she’ll shine outright.

A pool as fathomless as the sea
The color of honey in sunlight
If you look just right, you can get lost.

She holds herself a fighter
Talks like a general
Scowls like a dictator.

She hides behind that smile
She hides in her own laughter
Hides from most everyone
Behind a cheery disposition.

Behind that paper thin smile
Behind the shallowest of her laughs
She hides in the darkness

Nurses wounds most couldn’t bear
Carries them with her
Won’t let them heal.

“The persistence of loss is a teacher.”
“If I let them go away, I’ll forget what they taught me.”
“If I stitch them up and stop letting them bleed, I’ll die hollow.”

Behind that fighter’s stance
Behind her confident words
Behind that face that warns you you’re in trouble

She gathers her gloom
To feed her
To drive her
To break her.

But in that darkness
There’s always another
Another that learned from the persistence of loss.

Another that’s afraid to let wounds heal
For fear of forgetting how they got them.

And that
Is the creature
That can make her
Or break her.

My monthly mutiny is killing me.

Much better day today.

I ended up sleeping in Mum's room last night, right up next to her to snuggle her, but I only slept for like...three hours. I woke up at seven and fidgeted around...talked to Kei, ran some errands for Mum....came home...talked to Kei until now, since he's trying to go to sleep....

I laid down to have a short nap and my power went out...I ended up sleeping for five frikkin' hours...

Had a weird discussion with my ex. I'm pretty sure he thinks I'm crazy for believing that Kei is the absolute one for me, but I've never been more sure of anything in my life....I know in my heart that my past lifetimes might have been happier if I had given in and gone to him then, I'm sure as hell not going to miss out on him this last lifetime.

And if I died tomorrow, I would wait for him...some would call it haunting...I imagine he would call it company.


Stephy has gone on real life hiatus, apparently her life is just kind of kicking her ass...so I've left her a message to get up with me as to whether or not she still plans to go to Tennesee with me for my birthday present or not. I won't be mad if she can't but...I just need to know so I can plaaaan.

So I had a ridiculously long drawn out talk with Kei....I"ll put the whole log in a cut for those of you interested in reading the whole thing.



But now comes the problem of I can't seem to sleep. I'm dead tired, exhausted...but I can't fucking sleep. I miss him so much it nearly makes me cry, which is more a sign to me that I'm exhausted and I know if I give in and cry over him, that headache will just come back in full force and it'll be another long silent day where I can't hear his voice and keep myself on the saner side of my personality.

All I want is him back in my arms.

Just one kiss, one hug, one decent night's sleep pressed against him, safe and accepted and loved for who and what I am with no strings, no boxes, no cages like I've had to contend with in the past.

No controlling nature at all.

I want my Yeti. I'm breaking and only he can fix me proper.

I've got the headache from hell, the monthly mutiny of my guts and I'm just down. I miss him like crazy...I don't get to talk to him very much anymore...the longer time passes the quieter it seems to get from his end.

Steph got a new girlfriend, Cheri. She seems like a nice lady, but I've only met her once for about a minute and a half. But Steph is pulling her VERY old trick of "I have someone new!" She's gotten like...obsessed with the woman and even though they live together, I never hear from her or see her anymore.

It feels a little like I've just stopped being important.  I spend most of my time with Mum and Drew when he can come over...and while I love Drew to death I can only handle a couple of days at a time before he starts to wear on my nerves a little...because he wants to constantly follow me around.

I miss my friends at the club but I haven't felt up to going in a while. And I can never get up with Steph to go because she's never online anymore.

I haven't RPed with anyone in months, not on my boards or over IMs.

I miss rping with Kei...and with Steph....

But they're both so busy, with different things that they don't have the time or something.

He usually plays WoW as soon as he gets home and his computer doesn't like to alt-tab out of WoW so....we never do rp anymore and it kind of bums me out.


Just. Bleh.

Fuck it. Who cares.

No one reads this goddamn thing anyway.

So Sarah is checking herself into rehab. It sucks that she's going away again, but I'm glad she's getting some kind of help. Hopefully it'll stick this time.

Yarp.


I got Steph hooked on Ouran High School Host Club. It's a damn good show, go watch it.

Kitty is very very bored right now. I was playing World of Warcrack but....blargh.

Kei's friends have drug him off to someplace that he cannot be on his phone at apparently....So....yea. That sucks a bit. Mostly because he's far, far away from here....

Apparently though, he got the plane ticket he was after, so I have no effin idea when I'm supposed to be going down there, but it'll be fabulous. A whole week with no NC. Werd. AND AND I will not be sleeping all alone in a bed.

In other news, Sarahs is trying to kill herself.

Let me elaborate. Sarah is a girl that I met through a friend about four years ago I guess. It was shortly before Damon moved down.  Literally the day after he moved down, she got sent to a group home for 2 years. But then earlier this year, she came back. And it was awesome.

Until recently.

Sarah got back into smoking pot and promised she wouldn't move on to other things like she did last time and then last night she spits out that she and her DARLING boyfriend Drew, whom I love like my own little brother, Drew is the shit, have split up for the second time in a month because she's "messing around with crack and meth. mostly crack."

I don't know what to do with her anymore. It's ridiculous.



DREW. He is FULL OF WIN.

But that day is not today.

So yea. HOLY CRAP....

Well...I'm in the market for a job. Stryden, the company I was working for, lost their contract with Enterprise Rent-A-Car, because some of our intellegent fucking co-workers decided it would be fun to STEAL three cars.

Very nearly a month ago, my long time friend Kei came up from the Air Force Base in Mississippi to visit. We've been friends since High School and have always had a strangely tense relationship. Mostly because we both want each other quite badly and have never been able to or willing to act on it.

I was properly engaged to Jim in December. Kei and I talk constantly, over the phone, over the computer, whatevs. We just...talk. It has always made Jim jealous, even when he was fifteen. It didn't change when he was nearing twenty. APPARENTLY Everyone in the WORLD, even BLIND PEOPLE could see that the minorly awkward thing between me and Kei had turned into something major and not awkward at all....

So when he came up to visit...I got snogged on his brother's front porch. And while being quite nice, it threw my brain into overdrive. I was already beginning to question my relationship with Jim because well, honestly, all the spark had gone out of our interactions. I don't mean sex, I mean out of EVERYTHING. Even conversation. It was honestly like sleeping with my roommate instead of my fiancee.

And then Kei friggin snogs me and had I not been leaning against the house, I'd have probably fallen down. I thought they put that 'sensation' into movies and romance novels to make love seem fancier and cooler than it really is. I got proven wrong.

So...Jim has moved back to his Mum's....who says I'm a slut because HOLY LORD I've slept with two guys to her SEVEN.

And I have a six foot, three inch tall Canadian BEAR who lives 812 miles away in Mississippi and is APPARENTLY, buying me a plane ticket to come see him for a week.


RAWK.


IN OTHER NEWS:

A. List seven habits/quirks/facts about yourself.
B. Tag seven people to do the same.
C. Do not tag the person who tagged you or say that you tag "whoever wants to do it".

Oh fun, here we go.

1. Fact: I'm strangely uptight about keeping my problems to myself. There's really only two people in the world who can weasle their way past my defenses and get at what is really bugging me.

2. Fact/Quirk: I have a dominant personality, but I like it when I can end up with someone who can either forcibly dominate me or cause me to cave for them and be of a submissive nature. YES I MEAN IN BED.

3. Quirk: I hate salad dressing. Except for Caeser Salad....wtf.

4. Fact: I am a huge bitch when you push the right buttons.

5.Fact: I like to dance like a spaz. And anyone who critiques said spaz dancing usually gets told to take a flying leap off a tall bridge.

6: Quirk: I actually really like Indian Music. Like from India. I dunno why.

7: Habit: I constantly shake my hair back from my face, both as a nervous tick and to get it the fuck out of my face. Apparently, it drives my boyfriend MAD.

I have no one to tag. WTF is that.

Alright. -Heavy sigh- Full story.

Shortly before Thanksgiving my great-grandfather got very sick with pneumonia.  They took him to the hospital and he seemed to get better. They sent him home. He was still having alot of trouble breathing, so they took him to the doctor, who put him on oxygen in his home and all and he was still having alot of trouble breathing. So, they took him back to the hospital to see what the deal was.

When I was very little, he had lung cancer and they removed part of one lung. When they did the x-rays to see what was going on, the cancer had come back, aggressively. My 94 year old grandfather decided that it just wasn't worth it and to let him go. So he died shortly before Thanksgiving.

At the first of the month, my front driver tire on my Jeep blew out and sent me into a ditch at 45 mph. I went up over a thick concrete driveway into the other side of the ditch which was at least three and a half foot deep. At first we though the only thing wrong was that the front tire was flat. Upon close inspection, the man's concrete driveway had totaled the underside of my Reynauldo.

Well, my back bugged me a little the few days afterwards, as expected. But I went back to work anyway. Well...it kept getting worse and more painful. So finally, today, my Gram and Mum managed to talk me into going to the doctor's. We arrived at three thirty and did not get out until seven. They had to unlock the door to let us out.

They poked me and prodded me and took x-rays. I told them that over the counter medications don't do squat for me unless I take them in unhealthy and dangerous volumes [ I have to take upwards of 20 Advil to get any effect.] They said it's entirely muscle based and the shooting pain I'm expierencing in my leg is because the tight muscles are pinching the nerves. The prescribed me Skelaxin.
And told me to take it with....Advil.

Apparently, they don't prescribe painkillers for things like this, since they're expected to be temporary problems and go away quickly. On the upside, they did at least give me a list of back specialists and said, "If it's not better in a week, go see one of these people."


-sighs- My grandmother thinks I'm a pansy and I need to suck it up. My mother feels like she failed me because alot of my back problems come from the genetic trait of hypermobility.  And I don't know what my boyfriend thinks.


I wish the new year would come and things would start to look up.


On the brighter side it's my mother's birthday, officially.

Oh just...fuck it. I can't be arsed.


SMOKE ME A KIPPER, I'LL BE BACK FOR BREAKFAST!!

i wish someone would just turn me off for a little bit and let me skip this part.

I do. I want money so I can have some mexican food. I miss it.

Sooo, Rashanda at work is turning 21 next Sunday. And she's invited everyone over to her house for a big shindig. She wants all of us ladies in particular to show since she's invited about 12 guys there that she's either interested in or messing around with and she wants a bunch of girls to break up any fights that start...or to shelter her from them, I don't know what the fuck...

Left early because I felt ill....eh.


I'll see if Kei is online when I get home...if he's not...I might go to the club or something. I dunno. Might not be arsed to.
Yeaup.


In other news I love Phillip to death.


Phil: I hate sluts. Yay!
Me: Me too.
Phil: Yay!
Me: I hate the innocent ones, where the whole time they're talking to you, you're going "mhmm, mmhmm, slut slut slut slut WHORE slut slut."
Phil: I don't mind the innocent act, what I hate are the ones that constantly wanna be right on top of you. It's like, "Bitch back the fuck off." Sometimes I just wanna play video games or watch a movie, I don't want sex all the time.
Me: Fuck that. I'll play video games with you.
Phil: according to google maps it'll take 28 minutes for you to get here, but I'm all for it.


Oh I love you Phil.